I put on my red dress, the one I wore for Christmas last year, apply make-up and jewellery - the red garnet earrings and gold and diamond chain that used to belong to my grandmother. I make an effort even though I am not going out anywhere special. Each day I try and do this, put an effort into looking good, have some sort of routine. Every day is the same and they all mould into one day, one long bored sigh in the life of lockdown. But it is important as the alternative is not one I wish for - to allow myself to just slide downward, to no longer care about the little things. I know how easily habits form and if I am to form a habit right now, it might as well be a positive one.
I walk across the street to the supermarket and thoughts of my grandmother alone in the old age home enter my mind. How confusing this whole crazy situation must be to someone already losing their mind. I look ahead at the bright red postbox, in front of a beautiful tree, noticing the contrasting colours. Everywhere I turn there is a perfect picture, something that could go on a postcard or cake tin. Thoughts of my family continue and memories of my grandfather, already long dead suddenly come into my mind. I am not sure why I am like this today, melancholy, overly sensitive. That is what I am these days, or for a while I should say. Actually if I am honest it is since having children - pregnancy messes with the brain, upsets hormones and you are never really the same again. But I have always been an emotional person, I feel things deeply, am overly sensitive. The world gets to me at times. I look into a person’s eyes and I feel their suffering. I take in a beautiful sunset or random act of kindness and I feel the joy, the beauty of connection. I witnessed a man walk out of Sainsburys last week and give a homeless guy a Magnum, it had me in tears. Silly I know, but there are glimpses of beauty and hope everywhere if you are open to them.
All of life overwhelms me, but in a good way. It is not something I can shut off, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I would rather be like this than allow my heart to be closed and my soul to become hardened by the world. I can live with tears, they are after all just salt water, and I have always loved the sea.
Just pass the tissues please. X
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash